re: this empty house

I wanted to leave a mark, leave a bit of me behind.
in vain.
so, I wrote down 'this empty house' by Gord Downie.
and some wishes, for the new dwellers.

re: this empty house
the last nap taken on the freshly vacuumed carpet.
no covers, no pillows.
last prayer prayed by the two sided fireplace,
one of my favourite things about this house
leaving behind my curtains; it was part of the contract.
the paint stains on my carpet from my 'creative angst'.
the mascara stains from when i dropped the wand
the dent in the door from my dad slamming it open against my dresser,
he was angry,
I don't remember why.
the mirrors still glued to the walls,
nights of endless thoughts,
sometime tears,
sometime conversations,
sometime studying.

love poems,
angry poems,
letters,
essays done and not done,
failed scholarship attempts,
job applications,
all thought out and executed within this 8x11 walls.
I contemplated a historical future from here.

secret phone calls
birthday jokes
stargazing from the roof
smoking on the porch
forbidden guests
forbidden substances
this room was my child safety lock to keep my parents out of harm's way

torturous days and nights
of pain
and laughter
and wondering if they knew anything
wondering who i was
wondering who was real and who wasn't
wondering which exam was worth studying for
regrets forgotten
blames diminished
angers placated
grudges perfolated
recounting 'i love you(s)'
and 'i hate you(s)'
every favourite song
every special person
every forgotten dream
every certain epic

refuge, taken in this solidarity

getting high, getting low
jones, jones, jones etc.
learning how to skateboard
how to knit
how to drive
how to make fondant

becoming me.
oh, this empty house.

as I tie a few of the roses from our front yard for the new owners along with some Gord Downie, I realize what this place has meant to me.

the house,
the park,
Stephen Lewis
the 'nature paths'
and mississauga in general.

I have not realized the entirety of this move.
so many things will never be the same.
this, and having now finished school, are probably together as drastic as moving to canada. except then I was young and change wasn't of same effect.
it's a big wave
i am waiting for it to hit.

goodbye,
5427 longford dr.

(Jan 2006- Aug 4, 2009)