it's not always a single moment when an opinion becomes a belief, or a friend becomes family, or a house becomes a home. It's usually a feeling that gradually conceptualizes.
usually; but not always.
driving up my unpaved driveway, after a week of being away, the initial feeling was 'it's good to be home'. And it really was in that moment that I realized that this, Ottawa, has finally become home. I guess I was still holding onto Mississauga as that sacred comfort zone, but being there for a week felt like vacation. And you don't go home for vacation.
(the funny thing is, when we return here after a couple of days the house regains that 'new house smell'.....until someone cooks at least.)
i know there will still be moments where this city feels foreign, and it will be a while before it's 'mine', but if I have learned anything in the past few months it is that the sooner you come to terms with your circumstances, the more you benefit from it (and also, the easier it is to find peace). So, I made a pact with myself, or it kind of emerged from a conversation: I am going to make this place more homely, meet more people, make more commitments, resist isolation.
If the last 3 months was one chapter in my life, then last week was a tangible conclusion. I guess the previous visits to Mississauga were cathartic, rather than fun. This time was different, it was refreshing. And it made me realize that I am not afraid now, I am not afraid to say that I am happy.
P.s. I can read again! as stupid as that sounds, yesterday was the first time since last summer that I picked up a novel and read more than just two lines, and actually enjoyed it/did not fall asleep. I figure, this is significant enough to document. no?
6 comments:
Ha.
It's funny you wrote this now. I feel as though I've had the exact experience.
And this city, if not home, feels far more comfortable now. Befriending people helped. Even if they pretend to be my father...
Mississauga is home.
It's kind of funny and sad that most of us let Mississauga. =[.
*left.
@ crawlspace, yeah it is sad. But I think sooner or later we all will/would've left anyway. For jobs, family or whatever reason. Plus, would you reallllllly want to spend your whole life in mississauga, or any one place. I wonder how long it took you to get used to your new city, and also how you feel about mississauga.
@delegate zero, everyone can use an extra father figure.......i suppose.
@ rabita, is it because there is no kitchen click here?
Damn it Ruby, you know me so well.
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